Five years ago today I made an important decision: I decided to put myself first. I decided to stop prioritizing a toxic relationship over my own emotional and physical well being. I decided to stop being miserable. I decided that I deserved better. Enough was enough, and a clean break was the only way to deal with it and survive, so that’s what I did. I couldn’t have made a better decision. My only regret: not making it sooner.

None of this to say it was easy. It was complete hell and I was a wreck for weeks. I was angry. I was heartbroken. I was a hot mess. And I primarily blamed myself. Why did I let this go on for so long? How could I fall for such bullshit? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why how why how why? I have since readjusted my thinking. Could I have handled things differently and saved myself a lot of hurt? Well sure. But the bottom line is that I had something to learn, and learn I did.

One of the things I learned was how many wonderful people I have in my life. My friends really showed up for me, and I mean really showed up. They took care of me in ways I’m sure I’m not even aware of, even friends who came into my life at the very moments the shit was going down. This is a lesson I learn again and again: I have kick ass friends. They’ve been showing up for me for years. Today is no different than five years ago.

These guys especially took care of me, and continue to do so when times are tough:

Seriously. They are focused on my well being like you would not believe. Of course I know it’s in part because their well being is contingent upon my well being (this photo was taken at dinner time and they can’t open those cans by themselves), but I also know: they love me. They really do. Ask anyone.

The lesson to put myself first has been a harder one, and again, a lesson I keep having to learn. I find myself in similar situations, putting someone else’s needs and problems ahead of my own, taking care of someone else at the expense of my own well being. I think it’s because deep down, there’s a part of me that believes it’s selfish to put oneself first. I’m trying to retrain myself around this notion. Maybe the truth is that we can’t truly love someone else if we don’t take the time to love ourselves first.

As cliche as it sounds, I guess I do believe that we accept the love we believe we deserve. If we believe we deserve to be treated like shit, we’ll let people get away with treating us like shit. We’ll reject anyone who is willing to be good to us because there must really be something wrong with them. We’ll even go so far as to convince ourselves that someone who wants to treat us well is crazy, unstable even. But if we believe we deserve to be treated well, then we’ll surround ourselves with people who do just that; we’d have to be nuts to let someone get away with treating us badly. Seems so simple. Turns out: it isn’t always.

I’m working on it, but I know I’ll likely struggle with it the rest of my life. Patterns are hard to break. But I have good friends and a good therapist, so I know I’ll be okay. The lesson will only get easier.

This one goes out to me. Myself. I. And then: you.